Assertiveness: A Man's Guide to Owning Your Voice and Living Authentically

Assertiveness is a word that gets thrown around a lot in the media and in everyday conversations, but what does it really mean? Many men struggle with being assertive, either misunderstanding what it is or avoiding it out of fear of conflict. So, let’s take a moment to clarify what assertiveness is and why it’s crucial for your personal growth and well-being.

At its core, assertiveness is a communication style that allows you to express your feelings, thoughts, beliefs, and opinions openly and honestly, without disrespecting others. It's about valuing yourself and others equally, and creating win-win situations where both sides are respected. Far from causing conflict, true assertiveness fosters healthier, more authentic relationships.

Reflect on your own assertiveness for a moment. On a scale of 1 to 10, how assertive do you think you are? Are you someone who can speak up for yourself, or do you tend to back down to avoid confrontation? It’s important to acknowledge where you are now so you can take the next step toward being more assertive.

Think about individuals you see as assertive—maybe it’s figures like Martin Luther King, Gandhi, or someone you know personally. What do they do that makes them seem so confident? The key here is not that they don’t feel fear—it’s that they feel the fear and act anyway. Assertiveness isn’t about being fearless; it’s about having the courage to stand up for yourself, even when fear is present.

Now, I want you to imagine a time when you were assertive. How did it feel? Empowering, right? There’s a sense of satisfaction that comes from expressing your true feelings. On the flip side, think about a time when you weren’t assertive. Did it leave you feeling frustrated, angry, or perhaps even ashamed? Not being assertive can lead to built-up resentment and a loss of personal power.

Interestingly, many men find it harder to be assertive with people they are close to—partners, family, and friends. We worry about upsetting them or causing conflict. But here’s the truth: when you avoid being assertive with those closest to you, you fail to communicate your true feelings, which only leads to more frustration and unmet needs. The fear of rejection or abandonment can often be at the core of this reluctance.

Being assertive means taking responsibility for your own well-being. It’s not about being rude or aggressive; it’s about respecting yourself enough to express your thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment. When you allow others to walk all over you, you’re giving up your personal power and putting your happiness in someone else’s hands. That’s draining, and it’s unsustainable.

Here’s the good news: assertiveness is a skill, and like any skill, it can be learned and improved with practice. It takes courage to begin, but once you start, you’ll find that it becomes easier over time.

So, how can you become more assertive? First, practice thinking, talking, and acting assertively. Visualize yourself as someone who is confident and direct in their communication. Start by practicing in front of a mirror and seeing how it feels to speak with confidence.

The "broken record technique" is a great tool when you find yourself in a potential conflict. Repeat your main point calmly and persistently without raising your voice or getting sidetracked. This helps you maintain control over the conversation and stay true to your own needs.

Pay attention to your body language too—how you stand, how you make eye contact, and how you use your voice. These physical cues can reinforce your assertiveness. Don’t be afraid to say no when someone asks too much of you. It’s not selfish; it’s a form of self-respect.

Another powerful technique is assertive modeling visualisation. Think of someone you see as assertive and imagine stepping into their shoes. Feel the confidence, the ease, and the strength that come with being assertive. When you step back into yourself, you’ll have that feeling of assertiveness inside you.

Lastly, try an assertiveness rampage. Write out statements that affirm your assertiveness and say them out loud with increasing energy. Things like “I am assertive,” “I love creating win-win situations,” and “I feel great when I’m assertive” will reinforce this new mindset.

Remember, becoming more assertive is a journey, not an overnight change. But with practice, you’ll start to feel more in control of your life, more at ease with your relationships, and more aligned with who you really are. Assertiveness is about taking responsibility for yourself and your well-being. So start now—your voice deserves to be heard, and your needs deserve to be respected.

If you’re ready to take your assertiveness to the next level and build stronger, healthier relationships, Rewired for Men is here to help. Our programme is designed for men who want to own their voice, take control of their life, and live authentically. Join Rewired for Men today and start building the assertive mindset that will empower you to live on your terms.